Coach Fran’s Walking Papers
In this week’s College Football Mailbag, a reader asks Stewart Mandel this question:
We all know Dennis Franchione made a mistake of monumental proportions with his now-infamous “VIP newsletter.” I was already on the “Fire Fran” bandwagon after the colossal beatdown in Miami. This only adds salt to the open wound that we Aggies all have with regards to our football program. Texas A&M AD Bill Byrne has a policy of not discussing a coach’s future during the season. Will you do us the favor of not having a similar policy and giving us your take on the whole situation?
Mandel’s response was awesome:
Dear Dennis (because you no longer deserve the more affectionate “Coach Fran” alias):
In light of your recently disclosed cash-for-injury-info booster scheme, one that simply boggles my mind as to the sheer extent of its stupidity and greediness, please kindly do me the following favor. Make sure that any personal possessions in your office are neatly boxed up and shipped to an address of your choosing by Nov. 24 — the day after your team’s regular-season finale.
Your laughable, staged “rally” at last week’s press conference — complete with a standing ovation from your players and tears streaming from your eyes — was an Oscar-worthy performance. (Thanks for doing it while I was out of town, by the way, or my office wall might have had a large hole in it by now). Because back here on planet Earth, I’m sure you’re well aware you have about as much chance of being back here next season as Britney Spears’ children have of growing up normal.
Sure, your current 5-1 record (which includes no victories over a current top 60 opponent, according to CollegeBCS.com) helps mask your precipitous status to the outside world a little better than the doomed plights of, say, Arizona’s Mike Stoops (whose record makes yours look like Bob Stoops’ in comparison) and UCLA’s Karl Dorrell (who somehow forgot to have a backup quarterback ready last week … can you believe that?!), but let’s be realistic. Your defense made Miami QB Kyle Wright look like Carson Palmer for the only night of his career; I shudder to think what Texas Tech’s Graham Harrell is capable of this week. After that, you go to Nebraska, host undefeated Kansas, visit top 10 squads Oklahoma and Missouri and finish with Texas. You and I both know you’ll be fortunate to win more than two of those contests.
If so, that would put your season-ending record at a meager 7-5 and bring your five-year record to a maddeningly mediocre 32-28 mark. The $2 million a year we pay you would have been better spent trying to keep Billy Gillispie around. That guy did more in three years for a formerly dead-end basketball program than you’ve done in five years at one of the proudest football schools in the country.
That’s all for now. By the way, if you’re really that desperate for cash, I’m guessing far more than 12 Aggies fans would gladly pay you $1,200 for the rights to this newsletter.
Sincerely,
Bill Byrne, your soon-to-be-former-boss